I am back, and originally I was going to stand here and make all those promises I usually make after a bad period with my depression. You know, I am going to always be positive and I am not going to let it get to me.
Its silly because some things I have no control over. I feel like I hit rock bottom last week, but how do I ever truly know that was the bottom? Most people think that the worst thing about depression is sadness, but actually I can cope with being sad, thats not a problem. The emptiness is what I dread the most. Those cold moments when I feel like I don't care about anything or anyone. When I feel like this world would not give the smallest damn if I were to just remove myself from it.
Then comes the guilt. The guilt that actually I am being extremely selfish and this makes me a terrible person, because just centimetres away from me is my husband who thinks the absolute world of me. I in return think that he is the most amazing, caring person in the world and yet by allowing myself to sink into such a low I am almost betraying him. Seeing him upset is the absolute worst thing in the world, only made worse when I know I have caused that.
So no, I am not going to make any bold promises here, apart from I am going to take care of myself. I am going to feed my body tasty, nutritious food so it can start to build itself up.
I am going to go for walks, and do yoga, because both of these things get me to focus on the things around me, and yoga gets me to focus on my body stretching and nothing else.
I am going to continue blogging, because I enjoy it. I feel like it has introduced me to some amazing people who understand me, and even if they don't, they still invite me to things. How amazing is that? No matter how many times I have said no, either because my depression, fibre or both have been giving me trouble, they still invite me again and again.
I am going to open up to Tom more, and not wait until I feel the weight of my own sometimes insignificant problems crushing me. I am going to tell him every day honestly how I am feeling, because sometimes just talking about it helps. Whats the only saying, a problem shared is a problem solved?
I am going to keep focusing on the things I enjoyed before depression and work at bringing them back in to my life. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy dancing, I enjoy fashion, I enjoy performing. It goes back to this notion of really living and not just existing.
Please bare with me, and know that I promise this is all worth fighting for. In the words of Katy Perry, "I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay"