Monday, 3 July 2017

Let's Talk - Coming off citalopram and my why I am petrified of mindfullness!

Hello there!

Its been a while since I have sat at my laptop and talked to you about my mental health, but it is becoming more and more obvious that I need to put my mental health at the forefront. My anxiety isn't the cause of my IBS, its all intertwined but after sitting this afternoon in a public toilet which brought on a severe panic attack because I felt so claustrophobic I thought it was something that needed to be addressed.

My mind is so powerful. Before I have even eaten something it can convince me that it is going to make me ill. It can convince me that I shouldn't go out with my friends. That I won't make it on a 20 minute bus journey without needing the toilet (although I have done it multiple times). It can also convince me that if I don't get a text from my husband something awful has happened. It is relentless and sometimes I just want to turn it off.

Enter citalopram. I had gone back on it after stopping last year but it seemed to be setting off a whole host of other symptoms and so I came off it. Cold turkey from 20mg to nothing, and it has sent me on a bit of a roller coaster. Like I have already said my panic attacks have seemingly intensified but I have started talking calms lavender oil capsules once a day and I will let you know how I am getting on with them.

My libido has gone crazy! (I don't want to say too much here because I know my parent's have started reading this and really, my dad doesn't need to know about my sex life) but that's a truth.

I have been crying a lot. Now you might think this is a negative thing, but actually if you have or have had depression you may know how numbing it can be. I felt while I was ill and while I was on citalopram I was feeling numb. I struggled to really feel things and so having a good cry at a film or a blog post is a good sign for me.

I really want to start giving mindful meditation a go but it petrifies me. That might sound silly but one of the things about meditation is that your thoughts just sort of fly at you, and some of my thoughts are rather dark. I don't feel ready at the moment to deal with them, however I am trying to do a lot more yoga and swimming as they let me shut off my mind a little and focus on my body rather than completely switching off, however this is something I really need to work on!

So that's it from me for now! I am not planning any blog content for July, I am planning to just go with the flow and tell you whats going on with my mind and body. I am trying out a few methods to try and combat my IBS and Anxiety and if you have any recommendations please leave them below!

Charlotte Lucy

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