Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Depression: The Big Black Cloud.



It has taken me a long time to be able to write this post, and even now I am not sure how it is going to come out. In my head I know exactly how I want this to sound but like anything its not always to put into words. 

I feel like I have come to the point where I don't feel like my depression is me anymore. I think of it almost like the British weather. Its like a big black cloud, and some days I feel like I am the only one that can see it, just above my head. I can ignore it for so long and then some days it starts to rain on me. It could start as a trickle, a feeling of trying to keep going and ignoring it while the rain starts spitting. Usually in this kind of scenario its easy enough to find shelter and just let it pass. 

Other times, out of nowhere a big black cloud flies in and consumes everything. It can be without any warning, and everywhere I look is just more dark clouds and more heaving rain clouds. 

Sometimes its not so sudden, its just that I have been ignoring the signs that I am not doing well. You know, I try to keep busy and hope it will go away, but I should take the initiative to get myself an umbrella and prepare for the storm. 

I like to think that the best way to cope with these storms is to cut myself some slack, feed myself well and get lots of sleep, but I am realistic that actually as a busy girl with a full time job I can't always do this and so I think of my "Umbrella" as any short term solution that can get me through a few days until I can take a break. I will admit that at the moment my umbrella has a few holes and never keeps me completely dry but its a way of coping. Its cancelling any plans I don't HAVE to do. Its making sure I eat enough and eat well. Its drinking lots of tea and eating lots of toast, because these things say comfort to me. Its sleeping as often as I can. 

It is also staying away from social media. I recently had a clear out and deleted a lot of people I followed. This was because they were people who when I was feeling really down I just couldn't personally cope with. In a lot of cases it was silly little things but I had to prioritise myself. I reached a point recently where after a lot going on in my personal life (to sum it up my one cat was seriously ill, my other cat died, my 95 year old grandad was rushed to hospital with sepsis and my 91 year old Nana fell and broke her wrist in two places) I feel like I hit rock bottom. I had two choices and my choice was to slowly build myself back up. I realised I am OK and I can do anything life throws at me. We went to Skegness and had a weekend of good food, lots of sleep and plenty of fresh air.

I want anyone to read this to know you are never alone. My email address is discoveringcharlotte@yahoo.co.uk also if things get really bad you can also call the Samaritans on 116 123 or email them jo@samaritans.org


If you have made it to the end thank you! I needed to get this off my chest. I know life with depression can feel like you are swimming through mud sometimes but I am going to be doing everything in my power to keep growing, thriving and taking this one day at a time. If you would like a caricature like the one at the top of this post then you can get them from the very talented Claire

Charlotte Lucy 

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this, it's a remarkably honest depiction of what depression is and one I can relate to a lot! Know that you're not alone either, there is support out there. I will listen if I can help in any way.

    http://www.pushingbacktheshadows.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Take time to look after yourself.
    After a tough few years we've learn't that our health is more important than anything else there is! :)

    ReplyDelete

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